It has been over a month since I last logged on to this site. I have gone through so many changes, mentally and emotionally in that time. I thought for a moment I would never even log on again. Today I feel like sharing a bit…and so I shall share.
I am changing…I have changed. I have been forced to change I guess. I woke up one morning and realized that I have lived for someone else my entire life (there have been different people at different times; not just one particular person). There is no me! If there is a me I don’t know who she is. I am not going on a quest to find myself…I don’t really think I want to be found. I do however, think that I want to dumb down my life. I want to dumb it down in all areas. From the prestigious schools my children attend, to the extravagance of this 5 bedroom 3300 sq ft home, to the hustle and bustle of getting my kids to and fro, to the constant running of my mind. I want solitude… I want peace.
It is frustrating because no matter where I go there is an inner drive inside of me that wants to strive for the best. I want that drive to turn off! I want it off until I decide to turn it on again. As of 3 days ago, I am now 34. What if I die tomorrow? Is this how I want my life to be remembered? That she was always busy…always doing….always…always…always. That is me the fixer! I don’t want to try and fix anything anymore! I honestly would love if someone tended to my needs just as much I as tend to theirs. But that quest is now over. I am hanging that up to dry…..
What’s next, you ask? I begin my search. I am searching for just the right amount of solitude for me and my babies. Just the right amount of frequency so I can tap in when I want to and turn off when I want to. I’ll share my journey…although I don’t know if it will be interesting. I am on a mission to dumb this life down. This is my heart…July 6-2013.