…..He closed the door behind him, locked it and smiled. Jesus! I was contemplating what I could do to get myself out of this situation. He approached me slowly, my stomach turned flips when I noticed his jeans were already unbuttoned. His mouth was moving; I have no idea what he was saying, I was too frightened to listen.
His cologne! Ugh! I can still smell it! I don’t know what kind it was but I never want to smell it again!
He guided me to a standing position and pulled me close. I tested his strength and tried to pull away; no luck. He tightened his grip and perfected his smile.
I was thin as a rail then; I stood 6’1 and weighed 140 pounds soak and wet. I remember the jeans I was wearing were a little big in the waist. That worked against me because they were big enough that his hand was able to slide down under the waistband without unbuckling them.
His violation began with his fingers. I had tears rolling down my face, but I wasn’t crying! I refused to cry in front of him; but somehow those stray tears managed to escape. I was pushing this back; putting the emotions on the back burner. I often did that when people hurt me. At 19 years old, I had already pushed back a number of things. By this point I was a pro!
In between his sickening grunts and groans he mentioned that it had been over a year since he “had some!” Why do I remember that detail? He was thankful that he met me. This was his birthday present. Gosh! So much talking! Would he please shut up? And that cologne!!! I felt like I was going to vomit.
He laid me on the bathroom floor. My head was almost up against the door. I reached for the doorknob, he slid me toward him preventing me from reaching it. He smiled again! I wished he’d stop smiling!
He was actually pretty charming despite the circumstances. He never raised his voice, he seemed really polite in his speech. Perhaps he was crazy? Bipolar? I don’t know, he had some type of issue.
I ran out of options when he started to pull down my pants, so I made a conscious decision to “disappear”. I was going to go away mentally and let him do what he wanted. I guess one could say I let go, I’m not sure but I stopped fighting. Sometime during my disappearance he began to fully violate me. I was numb and I couldn’t tell you about it. Maybe I have blocked it out over the years, I am not sure.
An amount of time passed and then there were several loud knocks on the bathroom door, and a raspy woman’s voice. It was the driver’s mom. She was not happy! I can’t remember what she said, I just remember when birthday boy opened the door I flew out. I ran up the stairs, out of the house, outside!
The sun was coming up! It had to be like 5am, I saw a 7 Eleven and across from that a bus stop.
I stood at the bus stop freezing! I’d left my jacket in the house. Darn
The bus came, the driver was nice I told him I needed to get to the train station so I could get back to Great Lakes. He guided me there and didn’t even charge me a fare. It was the right bus to the station, I made it to the train! Thank you Lord! I don’t remember the train fare but I showed my military ID and gave my $3, I must have look do shelved because the man at the counter have me back my $3. That was great because I was starving! I was able to buy a soda and a bag of chips:-)
I don’t know why God wanted me to share this. I was sick to my stomach trying to relive part 3 through writing. If this story were fiction, I’d leave out the violation and add a scene where I kick birthday boy in the groin. I’d be the girl who taught him a lesson that night. Unfortunately it isn’t, I lost some valuable self worth that night. I lost self esteem that didn’t return for years. I also allowed the enemy to play on that night in my head for a long time afterward. It was a rough road.
Luckily this is not a sad story! All that I lost that night, Jesus gave back to me and more! That’s why I can share the valleys I have walked through. He did it for me and He can do it for you! It didn’t come overnight and I still have a long way to go….but I’m nowhere where I was:-)
He took my brokenness and healed me and sat me up on a throne! I am no longer ashamed! As for the friend I had some coarse words for her at first, but eventually God healed me to forgive. She and I still talk via Facebook every now and then. Thanks for reading….with His love